How do we exist in Fat bodies in an anti-fat world?
I’ve been engaged in fat liberation and community organizing for over 10 years. And still, I notice the churn of “new year new me” culture poking me every January. It’s like a thorn in my side now, but when I started it felt like a dagger to the heart.
It has taken over 10 years to feel solid in the fact that I cannot, will not, and truly should not participate in diet culture. It’s like being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist where you do your very best, and give your all… yet somehow you are still always to blame when it fails. Living in diet-land I worked so hard to restrict and be perfect and to push past all my physical limits and body cues with movement. The diet would inevitably fail, I would binge after being in a starvation state, and then I would blame myself and my lack of willpower. And the cycle would go around and around. I could fit a few good cycles in a year and then bam, my whole life was about shrinking and breaking myself down.
Now I sit here 10 years later, having put all of my energy and curiosity towards ending this cycle. Towards exploring a world where my physical body (in reality the smallest part of who I am) was not the main event, and the only thing I thought about. What if I actually didn’t care if someone thought I was a hideous monstrosity?! And what if someone thought I was a gigantic glorious sexy vibey crystal queen like Rose Quartz from Steven Universe? A giant woman! And what if none of that mattered, because I’m not here to be acceptable and to be tame? I am 6 feet 3, and a force, and that is such a beautiful thing.
So how do we land in our greatness in a world that is obsessed with a binary of frail powerless women, and emotionally inept overbearing men? Fat people are here to remind the world of its power and softness. We show the spectrum of bodies in motion and when we take a big breath we remind our neighbors to breathe.
Fat bodies have been villainized because when we are preoccupied with our bodies it’s hard to notice the systems in place that are exploiting and harming us. Weight stigma affects everyone, no matter their size, because it creates a web of fear, shame and violence that keeps us preoccupied and confused. We are either on the hamster wheel to stay thin, or we have been ejected off it and then we’re shamed for not running the cycle. Some of us would like to be back on the hamster wheel because it’s easier to keep running than it is to sit with the task of unpacking internalized fatphobia and ableism.
The first tip I have for you is to get off the hamster wheel. To do the grief work that it takes to look at and heal from that kind of brainwashing. Work with a therapist or a coach, take a Body Trust Course, get a group of fat friends together, you do not have to unpack this alone. And there is a loneliness that comes with ending the toxic relationship with diet culture. You no longer will have a set of strict rules, nor a guide by which to worship. It will be intuitive and you will fall into old patterns then pull yourself out. You will forget to eat, or eat too much. And your body might grow, or it might shrink, it could stay the same. But what I’ve come to learn, is that the body knows what it’s doing, and if you meet it with kindness and compassion it can collaborate in the healing process.
If you are a person who likes to have something to work on at the beginning of the year… Work on meeting your own grief around your body. Meet the ideas you thought a body should have and be. Mourn all of the things you probably won’t be doing in this body, celebrate the jiggle and the softness, hug your fat friends, and notice how nice they are to hug. Look at the fat person who you love most and see that you are exactly as lovable as them in all their fatness. Forgive yourself for being an asshole to whomever you were an asshole to, yourself included. Cry, cry as much as you need. Then I want you to LIVE. Live a full life, do what you want to do, and make it accessible, and if it’s impossible, hit me up, and let’s brainstorm the impossible together! Dream more, fart, and laugh, but for all that is holy please don’t let your fatness keep you hidden, because there are so many people who are so excited that you exist in the world! And none of them need you to change your body in any way.
If you need a companion to work through any of your grief, I do 1:1 sessions and would love to work with you.
Your friend in fatness,
Anna Chapman