Field Notes on Dating while fat
The thing about dating while being fat is that it can be challenging… Because we are not only navigating our internal feelings about our bodies and our fatness but also the feelings of the person we are becoming intimate with. I have experienced and witnessed many ways in which internalized fat-phobia as well as externalized fat-phobia, weight bias, and the sexualization and fetishization of fat bodies can create a condition of body objectification where confidence, care, and respect can diminish deeply and cause harm.
This post is meant to be a reminder for you, and an invitation to advocate for the kind of care and love you deserve in a partnership regardless of your body and the intersecting identities you exist in. This is also a place to be reminded of your boundaries and to practice honoring your “NO’s”.
Here are a few Key Reminders about dating while fat that I have learned:
Your fatness does not make you a shameful person to date. If they make you feel bad about your fatness or don’t want to be seen with you in public. Or perhaps they only want to have sex and never want to do anything else… Do not proceed! Your fat body is rad and is more than a place of pleasure for another. If they make you feel bad all the time, dump them you don’t need that kind of bullshit in your life. Being with you is a privilege, and if someone isn’t treating you well and with care, then they are not worthy of your presence or sexy rolls.
Your fatness does not make you ugly or unattractive. That’s just straight-up fatphobia and diet culture logic. Your unapologetic joyful fatness is actually scary to some. It makes them have to face their own self-hatred to see you happy having opted out of the system of diet culture while they still let it rule their lives… makes them uncomfortable. There are also so few positive and beautiful representations of fatness in media, we are often reduced to “victims of the obesity epidemic” without heads on the news… Folks don’t get to see our beauty and our grace! But that’s work they need to do, not you. You are a gorgeous fat angel baby!
You are more than a hot fat fuck. Listen I love sex just like everybody else, but I am a whole, and complete person full of ideas, dreams, and creative expression! And so are you! We are more than a hot fat porn fantasy, and of course, you can role-play in a hot porn fantasy, but you get to have that and MORE. You get to be wined and dined and showered with care. You get to be humanized and honored as well as fucked just exactly precisely how you want with every kink you love! But don’t forget that you get to have it all, no matter how fat you are. I also want to remind you that porn is performance, and you do not need to perform sexy-ness, you just are sexy.
You are allowed to have needs. I know this sounds like a duh! moment, but hear me out. I just learned this, I just learned that I am allowed to have needs (and that the other person is allowed to have needs) and that one person cannot fulfill ALL of our needs… Well you, yourself can fulfill a lot of them! But those needs are what you need, and if you don’t get those needs met you aren’t going to feel your best. If someone can’t honor them that’s, okay but they don’t get to be around you. If someone crosses your boundaries they aren’t caring for you. If you don’t get the time to recharge when you need, or enough sleep, they don’t get to monopolize your time. You get to prioritize yourself and your needs.
You are allowed to say no. At any time, with anyone, literally whenever you need. And that is a complete sentence, you don’t have to explain yourself, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. You can even say no mid-sex, and get up and go. You get to say no, whenever and however you need! No means NO.
I hope that you go out and date and explore all of the facets of a relationship! To be in a loving partnership is very sweet, but it can also bring up all of your stuff. So be gentle with yourself, but don’t get lost in the process. Be steadfast in your fat self-care because you deserve to be in relational spaces where you get to move at your best pace and where your feelings and past traumas can be held as you navigate new connections. Don’t forget your inherent value and wonderful wholeness in the process.