When the Grief feels so big.
As I sit here with my ADHD and long COVID-riddled brain, a belly full of anxiety, and a feeling of loss I have realized there is nowhere to go. No food to run to, no drug that can make me forget, no way to buy my way out of this, and so here I have to sit. In the grief, the despair, the pain, and the boredom of a world that is built of smoke and mirrors. In a world where we are told that if we just lose weight, get the right education, and try hard enough, this mystical oyster will appear and a pearl for all that hard work would be granted.
I call horseshit…
I rode the ride for the first 25 years of my life, ate and starved my way through time, tried to out-exercise the dread, took the classes, got the education, and worked hard for the life I was told would be waiting for me. But the grief grew, and it grew, and my ability to outrun reality dwindled as my body became disabled through the pushing and the working.
And then I broke.
I couldn’t do what I could do before I didn’t have the same stamina, the same drive, my mind started to take in the reality of the world around me, and I could not pretend anymore. Have you ever tried to pretend when you knew the truth? It becomes more difficult, almost painful in a way. The truth broke me open and I didn’t like what I saw, there wasn’t humanity there, there wasn’t love there. There was power, there was money, and there was exploitation. Why exploit people, animals, and resources on a planet that grows food and has fresh water? This is a question I keep asking myself again and again.
And so I grieve. But I also bear witness…
I sit in my little apartment with my little dog and my sweet girlfriend and I feel the pain and the suffering. I don’t turn away from the horror that is happening in Gaza, as people are holding pieces of their dead children and loved ones. I let their pain imprint on my heart and I use my voice to amplify theirs because nobody should have to create content for someone to care about the mass murder of their family. I never forget the Palestinians and the land that is been forcefully stolen for hundreds of years, I boycott, vote, and protest, and I let what I have witnessed move me into action. And I look at what is happening in my country with the violent policing of white supremacist culture, of people fighting for billionaires and not for their poor neighbor who is trying to make rent. I feel the blow of grown adults condemning and imprisoning student activists who are begging for change and safety. I feel the pain of my community amputating their insides and taking ozempic, and GL1P’s to finally fit into a society that only cares about your smallness /fuckability and not how your body will carry you through your whole life and the impact of those procedures.
I think about how I can escape, maybe to another country?
There is no escape, this body holds the memories of the pain of this place. My body is a wisdom keeper and it will not forget how she came to be. I have survived earthquakes, typhoons, hurricanes, narcissistic abusers, eating disorders, brainwashing, and being fetishized, yet still, nothing could prepare me for the feeling of the impending fascism that is seeping into every nook and cranny of the powers that be.
So I’m asking for a few not-so-small things…
Grieve with me, pay attention, stop running, and stop shrinking in the face of the unknown doom. Look your own darkness in the eye and bring them in, because it is the only way we can challenge what is happening. We all must face the thing we are running away from within us to defeat the big boss at the end of the game.
You are not alone.
It is through facing our own shit that we can see the other shit facers out there! Yeah, you’re gonna have a little bit of shit on your face for a bit, but what a gift to be able to look at it, check it out, and then wash it away. Just to clarify, this ask isn’t glamorous, it’s literal shit-facing, and feels gross. But you need good shit to make a new garden grow. Now, maybe I’ve taken this shit-on-your-face metaphor too far but hear me out… Pay attention, not to what famous people are doing, or on hot gossip, but to the person in your community who you may have overlooked and needs a sandwich, or a cup of flour. Pay attention to the disabling effects of COVID-19 and wear a mask when transporting, inside busy spaces, and at the doctor's. Stop sending that politician $5, and send it to someone who needs a meal- I assure you- they don’t need your $5. We are our only hope, we need to look out for each other and care about each other.
Let love and hope lead you.
Hope is not a fluffy woo-woo practice. Hope takes grit and determination, and we need everybody on board. We need your ideas, and your care, and you to love yourself and your family and your community enough to care about people who you have never met. Because in reality, we are just one crisis away from being unhoused, or from losing our job, or from being in the hospital and if that happens I hope that you are taken care of, and that you have a community net that will hold you, and if not… It’s time to create the connections to form the net. When we work together we can move mountains and shift policy.
And last but not least Greive…
Grieve what you thought you would have, grieve the pearls that never came, and let me know if you need some support on your grieving process because it is not a simple task to grieve. It takes courage and time and trust. I trust that you can handle your grief and that your heart is much stronger than you ever thought it could be sweet friend. But I am also here if you need support on your journey.
Grieving with you,
xoxo Anna C.